Discussing Introspection for Self-Awareness

This blog is the result of a long and honest conversation I had at my kitchen table with someone I trust. We ended up getting introspective and talking about self-awareness. Oh, goody! I love D&Ms (Deep and Meaningful conversationS). So, what is self-awareness and how do we get it? Let's go...

Analyse this

What is self-awareness?

A quick Google search will bring up loads of information, but, in a nutshell (written by a non-professional in simple terms), self-awareness is knowing who you are and why you are as you are. Okay? Cool. Next question.

How do you get self-awareness?

Uh, you research yourself. This is called 'introspection', which is a fancy word for examining yourself.

How do you get introspective?

You ask yourself questions about who you are and why you do what you do.

Why do you need self-awareness?

Well, becoming more self-aware can help you to be a happier person. How? Lots of ways, but knowing what triggers us and stresses us out can help us to manage ourselves better. Being realistic about what we are good at and not so good at, can help us live life in a happier way.

Let's get deeper about all of this malarkey...

Introspection for self-awareness involves asking yourself 4 questions:

1. I feel ______, or I am ______.

2. Why do I feel this way, or why am I this way?

3. Is this reasonable and how I want to feel/be?

4. How can I be better?

1. I feel ______, or I am ______.

Fill in the gaps. Do you know how you feel at any given time? Do you know what you are like? Are you aware of your feelings, behaviours, and traits? Can you label the feelings you have? If you feel bad, do you know if those feelings are sadness, jealousy, anger, disappointment, worry, fear, or loneliness?

Hrmm okay, now, I'm going off on a little tangent for my own benefit because I wasn't clear on this next question myself:

What is the difference between feelings and emotions?

My research revealed that emotions are physical responses to external stimuli. Feelings are learned responses. Say that someone walking past you on the street unexpectedly punches you in the nose. Your emotions will likely include pain, fear, and anger. Some people may only be fearful or angry, it depends on the person as to how their body responds. I am more likely to be fearful, my husband is more likely to be angry. Now, the feelings we feel will differ; I would probably panic, then feel threatened, intimidated, upset, and embarrassed. My husband would probably feel shocked, then furious, enraged, and probably a little curious. I think of the emotions as the umbrellas that sit over the feelings. They are broad. Feelings are more specific. I am happy (emotion) because I feel contented, accomplished, and hopeful (feelings).

Now, going back to the first question: How you feel and are.

Firstly, what are your feelings and emotions? It takes effort to work this out. Secondly, what are you like? What do you tend to do? Do you tend to run away from threats or do you face them head on? Are you a procrastinator? Are you gullible, witty, humble, or calm? Do you get angry when you get hot or hungry? Do you get sad when you are tired or feel helpless?

Self-awareness is knowing who you are.

2. Why do I feel this way, or why am I this way?

Keep asking yourself why?

Why does a certain person rub you the wrong way? Is it something that they've done? A specific word or action that has triggered you? Or is it because of you and your expectations, unmet needs, or previous experiences? Has the interaction triggered a memory? Do you relate x with y?

Why do you feel a certain way? Do you hate public speaking? Why? Are you worried you will stuff up or fall over? Do you feel unprepared, or judged? Are you worried you'll get distracted, or worried about what people will think? Perhaps you're anxious about needing to get a good result? Can you dig further? Is it because someone once made fun of you for mispronouncing a word? Because someone you will be speaking in front of has been unkind to you in the past? Keep drilling down so that you get to know yourself better. This can help you to be more realistic. Do you really hate ALL public speaking? Or are your feelings because you do not perform well under pressure, because you feel inferior compared to your colleagues, or because when you were in high school doing a talk about recycling, one of the cool kids make a fart noise and threw a pen at your head?

Expectations

Expectations need their own heading. I've heard it said that when you are angry with someone, it is simply because they have not lived up to your expectations. It's not about them at all. Do you expect courtesy from someone? If so, when you go to the shop and let someone cut in front of you at the checkout, you will probably expect them to say, 'Thank you'. What if that person does not say anything? How does that make you feel? Angry? Is your expectation of courtesy from everyone a reasonable thing? Some people will say yes, but honestly, not everyone is courteous. BUT, maybe that person did say thank you, but you just didn't hear it? What if you expected that that is what happened? What if they are on their way home from their mother's funeral? What if they've just found out that they have cancer?

So, now you can see that your anger is as a result of your unmet expectations. Do you expect that people will hurt you? Then you will act in ways that attempt to keep yourself safe. Do you expect that grandparents should always want to look after their grandkids? Then does your mother-in-law rub you the wrong way because she's always busy? Do you hate your job because you expect more praise or reward? Be aware of your expectations. Often, it is not someone else who makes you feel bad, but yourself. The good news is that you can be the one to make yourself feel good, too!

Seeing yourself clearly is hard

3. Is this reasonable and how I want to feel/be?

Back to the introspection questions. Okay, so now you've worked out what you are like and why (lol. Why am I laughing? Because in reality, this job will never be complete. Self-awareness is an ongoing task, forever.) Your next step is to think about whether these things are reasonable. Is it serving you? Is it beneficial? And, most importantly, is this how you want to be?

If you get mad when driving because you are an impatient person, is that how you want to be? Yes? How is that serving you? It's not, right? Not all anger is bad, some anger will serve you, it may keep you safe, or motivate you to achieve. Being angry at your mother-in-law could motivate you to have an important conversation with beneficial results. But, does oversharing with people you don't know or don't trust? Does it serve you to assume that someone is intentionally being rude? Does it serve you to hold onto that anger? Think about it. Is it reasonable, and is it how I want to be or feel?

4. How can I be better?

Could you turn the anger into compassion? Could the negative be turned into a positive? Can you have an important conversation with someone about your expectations? How can you increase your confidence in social situations? How can you be less angry when you drive, or become a better public speaker? Sometimes, the answer is therapy. Sometimes, you need to have a conversation with someone about something specific, or talk to someone you trust, read books, and seek more information. Sometimes, you may need someone else to bring your awareness to something that you have done or do, because you aren't aware of it. Sometimes these are uncomfortable conversations. It can be hard to become aware of your weaknesses. But, every day we need to continue to ask ourselves, what do I feel and why? Is this reality? Is how I feel the truth? And how can we learn and grow? Why am I doing what I am doing? How can I be better? Perhaps I could try listening to a podcast or audiobook when I drive? That might keep me calm. Maybe I should hire a babysitter so I get some time away from the kids and don't have to rely on my mother-in-law.

The last step in self-awareness is self-improvement/personal-development. We are not designed to stay stagnant. We are not destined to just be as we are, forever. We are meant to get better.

So, how does this work in the real world? In a nutshell.

Scenario: Random person in the street punches me in the nose.

1. I feel ______, or I am ______

I feel scared and intimidated.

2. Why do I feel this way, or why am I this way?

Because I am fearful that they will hit me again or steal my bag.

Because I feel weak and helpless.

3. Is this reasonable and how I want to feel/be?

No. They ran away, so I don't need to feel fearful anymore.

I was helpless in the moment, but I am not a helpless person.

I am weaker than I would like to be.

4. How can I be better?

I could get fit, start weight training, learn self-defence, or role-play to learn how to deal with intimidating situations.

Another scenario: I am sitting on the couch feeling sad and overwhelmed.

Because I have lots of tasks on my to-do list, my kids are brats, and I am tired.

But, my kids are not brats, I am just tired, and my patience is thin. I do have lots of to-dos that are stressing me out though, and I don't want to be impatient, tired, and stressed out.

I need to start going to bed early. I will delegate and get my kids and husband to help me with some of my to-dos. I don't need to do everything myself. I am still a good mum if I don't have everything done, but I should get off the couch and do some of my to-dos so that I can reduce my stress levels (or perhaps I should forget about them for now and go have a nap so that I have more energy to tackle them when I wake up?). I want to be more patient with my kids. I will listen to music so that I don't get overstimulated by their noise.

Etc. etc.

You get the point. This is all ongoing, and you can get as in-depth as you please. Once you start, it can be a bit like falling down a rabbit hole. Introspection and self-awareness is not a task to be completed, because it is never done. We are constantly evolving and changing as a result of experiencing new things, developing new connections in our brains, acquiring new knowledge, and a billion other things, every day.

So, is that all as clear as mud?

Let me point out again for those in the back: I am not a psychologist or mental health professional. This is an opinion piece, not a guide for life. These are not the 'be-all-and-end-all' questions for introspection. You actually cannot be self-aware as you are. I can't be either. Nobody can. We need to be continually examining ourselves and acquiring knowledge, forever. We also need to hear hard stuff sometimes.

So... good luck with that!

Happy introspection.

Much love,

Marley x