Help For a Burnt-Out Mum (in a fiction book)

Parenting is hard. You know that feeling you get when you’re thinking, ‘I just can’t do this anymore,’ but you know you’ve got no choice, so you feel stuck, overwhelmed, broken, and helpless? I’ve been there… and I’ve written about it.

Do you ever feel like this?

It’s Not Just You

Let me say it again: Parenting IS hard.

Such a big part of the lowest moments of parenthood is when you feel alone. When you feel like the situation and the feelings are unique, just for you, something that only you know, and nobody else could help you or understand. This can make you feel isolated, stuck, and broken. It can make you feel like a failure, and also feels a little bit like drowning out of water.

Reading books about other overwhelmed mothers can help you see that it's not just you. You are not the only human with your thoughts/feelings/emotions. You are not alone.

So, If I'm Not the Only One, What Do Other People Do Then?

What do other mothers do when they're at that breaking point? How do they cope? Have other mothers sworn at their kids before, or is it just me? Am I the worst mother in the world for having moments of regret? I should never have been a mother; I wasn't cut out for this. I don't know what to do! How can you get away when you can't get away?

If you aren't the only mother on the face of the planet that has been where you are/ felt what you feel/done what you've done, wouldn't it be great to learn from them? To be a fly-on-the-wall and see what happened next, then you might know what to do next... or maybe what NOT to do. Reading stories about other burnt-out and overwhelmed mothers, even fictional ones, can help give you ideas about how other parents cope (or don't cope) and show you what they do (or model what not to do). Either you get some ideas, or it could help you feel better about your own parenting; either way, I think it's a good thing!

Escapism

Parenting is hard because you can't get away. You can't give up (or give them up). Things don't stop when you've had enough, stuff keeps coming, and you've gotta keep mummin'. People will tell you to take time for yourself, but that's not always possible now, is it? That's where reading fiction comes in! Reading a good fiction book is a cheap and easy way to escape in your own head for a while. I've read quite a few books sitting on the tiles in our hallway while trying to sleep train our twins. If I weren't reading, I probably would have been a lot more frustrated about the 'wasted' hours on the floor. Instead, I remember this time (and the books I read) with fondness.

I've Stuffed Them Up

Let me tell you something: Every single mother on the face of the planet has probably thought at some stage that they have stuffed up their kid/s. That something they have said/not said or done/not done has (or will) permanently scar their child and create mental health issues for them for the rest of their lives. This will, of course, have permanent and long-term consequences for your child and your relationship with them.

I actually wonder whether it would be concerning for a mother not to think that? Or are there really people out there who are that wonderful? If there are, I haven't met one yet.

We are not perfect. We make mistakes, and our kids make mistakes. The chances that we will say or do something that hurts them and that they will remember are very high. The same goes the other way, yes, of course, your child has said some hurtful things and done some hurtful things. Love is recognising that we are not perfect, and owning up to them. It is learning to say "I'm sorry," and recognising that we are works-in-progress. Love is patient, kind, slow to anger, and a whole list of other things, but that doesn't flow between you and your child, it is also to yourself! Mumma, you did your best at the time. Be kind to yourself.

Reading fiction about other mothers is a good reminder that we all make mistakes and there can still be happy endings. It can also help us to be kinder to ourselves.

Drowning

But, I Can't Keep Doing This!!

I know, mumma. I understand. Honestly, I do. My heart goes out to you. Most people would tell you to get help, but it's not that easy, right?

Issue 1: I don't have anyone to watch the kids while I get some time to myself.

Issue 2: I don't want time to myself, I can't breathe, and I've lost my motivation and desire to do anything at all.

Issue 3: Getting time to myself doesn't help. When I get home, it's right back to where I was before.

Issue 4: My partner/family is unsupportive.

Issue 5: I don't know where to turn for support.

Issue 6: My kids/situation IS unique. There is no help for a single disabled farming mother of 7 neurosparkly children on a 500-acre remote rural farm that is 2 days' drive from the closest town in a country where I don't speak the language.

Issue 7: I don't have any friends or family. I feel so alone.

Issue 8: I couldn't leave my kids with anyone because ____________ (health issues, location issues, fears, judgements, complex care needs, etc.)

The list goes on. You feel stuck and hopeless. I understand. I do. A real person is writing this, and if I understand, then you can know that there are plenty of other people that will understand too.

I am not going to tell you to buy and read my book. I am going to tell you to call one of these numbers. There is help for a burnt-out mum:

Lifeline: 13 11 14

Beyond Blue: 1300 224 636

or go to this website: Home | Lifeline

Don't think about it, just do it. I don't want you to think that you don't need it, that you'd be a drain on resources, or that you'll do it tomorrow. I don't want you to worry about what anyone will think, or scoff and think that nobody can do anything, so why bother. I want you to push away any thoughts that you're having right now and ring the number.

Everybody needs help sometimes.

Just because you are in a hole right now doesn't mean you're stuck there.

Your situation isn't hopeless.

Yes, parenting is hard, but I am not going to trivialise it.

Yes, many mothers have been where you are, thought the things you are thinking, and felt like they're drowning, but I don't want to normalise it.

Yes, motherhood means giving up a lot, but it does not mean giving up everything, and motherhood/parenthood is not everything in and of itself. You should not be walking around like an empty shell, in despair of every day you face. You should not be afraid of your kids. You NEED to be able to talk to people about parenting, and your feelings.

We are not designed to parent alone.

Reach out and get help. Nobody needs to know. Don't be a martyr. Life can be awesome for you again (and when it is, then you can read Other Than Mother and remember how strong and amazing you are).

Remember that we are all learning and growing. We are not meant to be stagnant. We are meant to be refining ourselves, which hurts. Part of refining ourselves/learning/growing absolutely could be admitting that you need help and calling a helpline. I've done it. Multiple times, actually. That's what they're there for. Parenthood is hard. Call the darn number.

I recently watched a clip from Evan Almighty*, which said, "If someone prays for patience, [do] you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them opportunities to be patient... If someone prayed for their family to be closer, you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?" Think of this hard, painful, overwhelming experience as an opportunity to grow. We're not perfect, and we can never parent perfectly, but we can always improve. Sometimes, improving looks like reaching out for help. Sometimes it looks like getting time to yourself, like saying sorry, like drawing up a chore chart, or by not taking stuff so seriously. Sometimes it looks like implementing consequences for your child, or trying all the wrong things before you realise what the right thing is. But think of it this way: You are doing it. Even though you feel like you can't. Even though you're exhausted and have nothing left. You're here, reading this, your kids are okay, and you are doing exactly what you feel you can't.

You go, girl! I'm so proud of you!

Now, if something isn't working for you, don't expect it to change on its own. Get help.

Here are some ideas for people/groups that you could reach out to for friendship, understanding, and support:

• A trusted family member

• An employee mental health support line (they're confidential)

• A doctor (book your appointment online now)

• Beyond Blue

• A local parenting group

• A virtual parenting group

• Your local church

• Playgroup

• A child-friendly book/exercise/dance/whatever club

• An online board/forum

Reaching out won't make parenting easy, but it will help you feel less alone. It will help to normalise the crazy/hard/painful, and it will help you get new ideas and learn from other people's experiences and mistakes (reading fiction can help you do that too!). Something that reading can't do is help you get the practical help you need, find people who understand, or point you in the right direction.

And when you're okay, then you can read my book, Other Than Mother.

The subtitle of Other Than Mother is: "Relatable family life fiction about the overwhelmingly suffocating moments of motherhood." I wrote this book because I want it to be relatable for other overwhelmed mothers. When mums read it, I want them to think, 'Thank goodness it's not just me!'

Because it's not.

With love through the parenting chaos,

Your number one fan,

Marley

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Other Than Mother is available on Amazon as paperback or ebook. Check it out -> HERE